Yvette plus Daniel

I truly believed that we would have more time with you, and I’m completely heartbroken that our time together was so short. I hope you felt our love for you, which is the most amazing, full, overwhelming love that I have ever felt.

My heart’s capacity to love grew the minute I knew I was pregnant with you. At that moment, I already understood what it was like to be a mother. I remember crying and praying to our Heavenly Father that you would be a healthy baby. Although I do not understand today why this happened, Heavenly Father had a different plan for you and needed you home quickly. I am incredibly grateful that He gave us those two precious hours and that we were able to hold you in our arms even after that. Holding you in my arms was like holding a little piece of heaven and I felt so safe with you near. I was holding an angel. I don’t know how I am getting through this but Our Heavenly Father has been with us from the start and I know that thanks to the Plan of Salvation, I can smile through this difficult trial as I remember you in my arms, as I remember your perfect little face, and as I remember all that hair! What I wouldn’t give to have been able to see you smile!

I found this letter from a mom to her baby boy and while I didn’t write it, it expresses perfectly how I feel for you: “When you left, you took a part of me…Sweet, sweet boy. If I knew the pain and hurt and stress of it all, it wouldn’t matter. If I knew that I would only be able to hold you for just so long, it wouldn’t change a single thing. If I knew the tears I would cry, out of a sea of millions, I would search until I could look you in the eye, and I would call you mine and choose you. Again, and again, and again.

“You. You’re worth all of it. You always were. You always will be.

“And me? I’m the lucky one. The lucky one who knew you. Who carried you. Whose life will forever be divided into a before and after because of you. You will forever have my love. Till my last breath and every moment after.”

Grayson, Our entire world shattered Wednesday when we lost you, but our family bond wasn’t shattered and neither was our faith. Spending that time with you and your daddy who loves you so much will forever be my most treasured memories. We will hold you in our arms again and we can’t wait for that day. You will always be my son and I will always be your mother.

I have so much more to say but I don’t know how to put it all into words. Know that I will live the rest of my life with the goal to see you again. I will live my life in such a way that that will happen. Every day I’ll think of you and as I feel your spirit near me, we will call those our memories. I can’t wait to make some real ones with you when we’re together again. I love you forever Grayson.

Love, Your Mommy

About Grayson

10:52 AM

I woke up Wednesday morning thinking I would do nothing more than go to work and spend time at The Cheesecake Factory with siblings for my sister's birthday. Around lunchtime I got a call from Yvette.

Yvette had had an appointment scheduled for around 2pm, but decided to go in a little early because she hadn't felt Grayson move much over the previous few days. On the phone she told me that the doctors wanted her to go to the University of Utah hospital for further monitoring. They wanted it done there in case there was any chance Grayson would need to be delivered. With Yvette being only 33 weeks and never having shown signs that she would need to deliver early, I thought we might stay for a few hours and be sent home. I left work to pick her up from the Hospital and we drove up together. As I’m writing this 3 days later, I just realized that my motorcycle is still parked at the hospital in Provo.

After about an hour of monitoring and one more ultrasound we were informed that Yvette would need to deliver by C-section and we would be doing it now. We were stunned, but moved quickly so that we could deliver him safely. I watched as they pulled him out, showed Yvette for just a split second and then rushed him over to NICU so that the team standing by could immediately work on him. I stayed with Yvette while the doctor's in the other room tried to stabilize him and while her operation was being finished. After about 10 minutes one of the doctors came over to tell us that things had not been going so well and they wanted to give us as much time with him as they could. I felt uneasy leaving Yvette for the remainder of her surgery, but that had been the plan from the beginning and the doctor was leading me out of the room.

Upon entering the room I saw our little boy stretched out on the surgical table. His eyes were closed, he had been intubated and he looked very weak. I watched a few feet away as the doctors worked on him. After what seemed like a few short minutes however, the pace started to slow and people began backing away from the table. I thought this meant that he had been stabilized, but that was only partially true. He was now as comfortable as they could make him while keeping him alive, but there was already nothing else that could be done for him. We will know for sure when we receive the autopsy results, but for now our only explanation is that they were unable to insert a tube down his esophagus into his stomach. This would have allowed them to remove gas and relieve pressure so that his lungs could start working. This would have been the first step in a long fight for him and unfortunately, it was too much. The only comfort I can take from this is knowing that the outcome would have been the same had he been born full-term.

I moved (or was moved, probably) closer to the table so that I could touch him. He was very warm and so beautiful. I wrapped his fingers around mine and felt his strength. I wished he could open his eyes or make any noise, but he was too weak. The doctor and I gave him a blessing that he would live long enough that his mother could hold him.

With the ventilator breathing for him, and a tube down his throat, the doctors allowed me to hold him. I had a few precious moments with him in my arms before Yvette was wheeled in on a hospital bed.

She was less informed of his status than me, but seemed to already know that he wasn’t going to make it. Throughout the day I had many times had the thought that he wouldn’t live, but now I was in shock. And since the doctor had not yet explicitly told me, I didn’t comprehend that his treatment was basically over now and that we would be holding him for the rest of his probably short life. It wasn’t until later on the doctor explained to me that there was really nothing else they could try and they weren’t going to try again. “It’s better that he gets to be with his family than with a bunch of strangers making him suffer” They were positive no matter what they tried the results would have been the same.

At this point our families had arrived, my mom was on a flight from Oregon, and we started preparing for what would come. I texted my bishop to ask if we should give him a blessing and he said, “Yes. ASAP.” I quickly gathered my brother and father-in-law and with the rest of our family who could be there around us we gave him a name and blessing.

We tried listening to his heartbeat a few times after that through a stethoscope but could only hear the ventilator pushing air into his lungs. After about another hour, we asked the doctor to take a look and they were not able to hear his heart. At some point before this, but after the blessing he passed. I was holding on to hope that he would live long enough for my mother to see him, but at least it was the case that his own mother did.

After a while we were taken to a recovery room for Yvette who would need to stay in the hospital for at least 72 hours. I had imagined our hospital stay to be much longer than that and it didn’t seem real to me that in 3 short days we would be leaving the hospital without our baby.

Our family stayed with us late into the evening and we were allowed to keep him overnight and for up to 24 hours after the time he was declared.

We cherished every minute and had a wonderful photo shoot the next morning where we gathered pictures that I will forever treasure.

The next day was full of planning. Thanks to so many in our families, friends and ward family, we were able to hold a funeral for him that Saturday.

Here is my letter I read to him during that service.

Dear Grayson,

Anyone who has seen me around kids knows that I love to play and I am so sad that we won’t have that chance here. Our first moment together was when you wrapped your fingers around mine while still on the operating table. I was surprised how tight your grasp was considering that the reason you were born early is because your strength was diminishing. You would have been a good thumb wrestler. And we would have had fun wrestling.

I wish I could’ve seen that active little boy I saw during some of the ultrasounds when you wouldn’t sit still. But I’m glad you were saving your strength so you could spend those precious few hours with us that you did.

It’s true what they say about women becoming moms while they are pregnant, but men becoming dads when their child is born. Not that I wasn’t excited, but it just wasn’t real for me yet. When I found out you were going to be delivered, I should have been more scared, but I was mostly just excited. When I saw your little body for the first time I was instantly pleased and so hopeful. When I touched you for the first time, I couldn’t hold back the tears and I only wanted to hold you in my arms. You were mine and that was never going to change. Each tender moment with you only grew our bond to the point that I can’t believe how much I already miss you.

After we removed your breathing tube we got see your face and all your features. Everyone started noticing how much you took after your mommy, and that makes sense because you’re so beautiful. Even though you do have a little grumpy face.

I thought about some of the possible reasons that you would have been taken from us so quickly and I figured it’s because you also take after your mother’s spiritually. I’ve never met a more kind and tenderhearted person and with all the happiness that you were able to bring to my life in such a short amount of time, I’m sure you got that from her. You were already so perfect; you didn’t need to spend any more time than you did here on earth. I will pray everyday that I can live worthily enough so that I can see your face again. I hope you are happy where you are and that you know how much I love you.

I love you Grayson, Love Dad.

Grayson is buried in the Angel Garden section at the Provo Cemetery. It will be hard moving on, but we have the support of our family and friends. We wish we could have brought him home with us, but at least we know that he will always be watching over us as an angel.

Baby George

1:19 PM

I don't even know where to begin...This is hard for me to write because part of me wants to keep this in and pretend like it's not happening, but keeping it in makes me feel alone, and that just adds to the pain. Our baby boy was diagnosed with Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia and as soon as he comes into this world, he is going to have to fight for his life. The minute he enters this world, he is going to be taken from me and hooked up to machines and tubes and Dan and I won't get to hold our baby because he'll be too unstable. I'm willing to do whatever is best for my baby, but I don't know if I am strong enough for this...

The news came as a shock to me. When to doctor told me that the ultrasound (at 24 weeks) showed that my baby's heart was on his right side instead of the left, I stared at her with wide eyes and just nodded, thinking, "Oh, I saw this on Grey's Anatomy and that guy was fine." But as soon as they took me out of the ultrasound room and called Maternal Fetal Medicine at the hospital, it hit me that this could be something more serious and I just lost it. I was alone and terrified and Dan was on his way to Oregon for the weekend. I called him and he came back to be with me. Neither of us understood what this meant but (despite the doctor's orders) we did some research online and found that the most common result for "heart on right side" was dextrocardia. This is when your internal organs are flipped and not just arranged in a weird position. These people can lead completely normal lives. We hoped and prayed that this was the situation for our baby boy, but we wouldn't know for sure until the following week. The wait felt like months.

At our appointment the next week with maternal fetal medicine, we had two ultrasounds done, one with an ultrasound technician and another with a specialist. Both times they confirmed that our baby's heart was not where it should be, but thankfully, his heart was strong and developing as it should. They both also had a hard time locating his stomach within the ultrasound, which scared me because I didn't know what on earth that could possibly mean. While we hoped we would get a solid answer on what was going on, the doctor couldn't tell us for sure what we could expect for our baby boy until we got an MRI done and she could confirm a diagnosis. We had to wait a week for our MRI appointment and another week for the results. Two short weeks felt like months again.

The MRI wasn't scary but I cried throughout the procedure anyway, feeling terrified and sad for what the results could mean. From what the specialist told us, it could mean either that our baby didn't have a functioning spleen and therefore wouldn't be strong enough to fight off infections, or he could have a hernia in his diaphragm, causing his lower organs to move up into his chest cavity. To me, there was no good outcome.

The specialist we had met with a couple of weeks earlier called us a week later to tell us the results. I was at work and stepped outside so I could react to the news away from my desk. She confirmed that our baby has Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia, meaning that his diaphragm didn't close all the way when it was developing. The condition is serious in and of itself, but it is made more severe if the lower organs have moved up. Our baby's liver has moved up into his chest cavity, pushing his heart over to the right and impeding the growth of his left lung. He also has a separate complication of his trachea and esophagus being connected, which could explain the problem of his stomach not filling up with fluid and being hard to find in ultrasounds. I honestly (still) have no idea what that means and how they would fix it. Devastated by the news, I left work in tears, grateful that I can set my own schedule and didn't have to work for three more hours with this on my mind.

A meeting with a pediatric surgeon a couple of days later finally told us what we could expect after birth. I'll have to be induced up at the U so that they can have a team assembled to care for our baby as soon as he's out. He'll be stabilized and then will undergo surgery to move his organs down and close the hernia. After this, his left lung should have room and the capacity to grow. We'll be praying that his lung will grow without further complications. The surgeon told us we could be looking at a two month hospital stay, minimum.

I don't care about the hospital stay and I don't care about what's happening to my body. All I want is for my baby to be strong enough to fight this when he's born. I want to hold him and spend some time with him. I want to see glimpses of his sweet little personality and I want him to know that I love him more than I ever thought possible. I want to keep him safe inside me and sometimes wish he could stay there forever, because at least there, he's safe.

I shared this because it was hard to keep it in. When anyone asks me if baby's doing well, I say yes, because they don't know and I don't want to cry in front of them as I explain his condition. But if I don't tell people, then I'll continue to feel alone and if people are aware, then maybe they can pray alongside us. Lately, I've come across a lot of blogs of mothers who have been in similar situations and I think of how brave they are to share their stories. I see the support that they receive from those who love them and even from strangers. How can I feel support if people don't know what's going on? We've already felt so much love from those who know and are praying and fasting for our little boy. We've named him Grayson Daniel and I think it's a beautiful name for a beautiful boy. If you could keep him in your prayers, we would be eternally grateful. We've already seen so many blessings and have had our faith strengthened and know that if it's our Heavenly Father's will, we'll be blessed to raise Grayson a happy and healthy boy.