We had a great time making this video to share that our rainbow baby is finally on the way!  We feel so blessed and humbled by the love and congratulations we are getting and are so so hopeful for the future.  Watch the video below!

Hawaii surprised me in a very good way.  I may be weird, but Hawaii wasn't really at the top of my bucket list.  If the opportunity presented itself, sure, I would go, but I wanted to see other countries.  I wanted to experience your "not so typical" tourist spots.  Hawaii didn't fit the bill in my mind.

Dan's family loves Hawaii and doesn't seem to tire of it and after going myself, I have to say that I don't think I could tire of it either.  It makes such a perfect getaway and has all the comforts of home that I'm used to: the food is familiar, I understand the currency, and I speak the language.  Sign me up to go again!

Day 12 - Normalizing Grief



Grief is a funny thing.  Most of the time, I don't understand my own grief.  At first, I often felt like my grieving process was inappropriate.  My baby died.  I am separated from the best thing I ever created, my most prized possession.  I've never loved anyone quite the way I love Grayson.  And yet, most of the time I feel okay.  I know death is not the end and I know I'll see my son again and sometimes the separation is unbearable, but usually, I feel my hope overshadow my sadness.  The weird thing is that this also makes me feel guilty.  Shouldn't I be crying all day every day?  Shouldn't I be unable to get out of bed?  Why is my grief not the type of grief I normally read or hear about?  I once read that it's okay to cry all day and be in bed all day (and I completely agree, grief can definitely be overbearing) because it just shows how much you loved your baby.  It felt like that person was saying the amount you grieve, or the way your grieve correlates to the amount of love you have for your baby.  And I just felt like the worst mother after reading that.  My baby deserved better!  Grayson deserved a mother who loved him as much as other mothers love their children, and for a second, I felt like that wasn't me.

But the longer you grieve, and the more people you meet who have angel babies too, you begin to realize that everyone's grieving process is different.  Because each one of us is different.  And no one can tell you how much you loved your baby because they are not you.  I love Grayson with all of my heart, and he knows that.  And my husband knows that,  But most importantly, I know that.  And that makes my grief appropriate.  I have stopped doubting myself through this process and that's why I'm okay with the good days.  The bad days too.

Day 11 - Glow in the Woods

Day 10 - Words



Today happened to be so busy so I didn't get a chance to sit down and write.  But I have a lot to say so I'll be sure to find some alone time tomorrow to sit and write down what I'm feeling.

In the meantime, I've included the words of a poem that have meant so much to me.  It not only reminds me that Grayson is happy and nearby, but that my Heavenly Father doesn't want me to hurt or suffer.  Trials are a necessary part of His plan and I'm sure He doesn't like to see His children in pain, but He let's us experience hardships so that we might grow and become the people we need to be.

What Makes a Mother

By Jennifer Wasik

Written with love for all the Mother's missing their babies

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today I asked, “what makes a Mother”? And I know I heard Him say, A Mother has a baby, This we know is true. But, God, can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you? "Yes you can!", He replied with confidence in His voice, "I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime and other's for a day And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay." I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath, and cleared His throat, and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you what your child is doing here. If you could see your child smile with other children and say, "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear, but My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here!” I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lesson very quick My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here.” So you see my dear sweet one, your children are okay Your babies are here in My home and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with Me until your lesson is through. And on that day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart It's the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize that you are a Mother until their time is done. They'll be up here with me one day and know you're the best one.

Day 9 - Family

I love this family of mine more than words can express. They are my everything. I am so blessed to have these very souls, because they are making me a better person and I have no doubt they are helping me become who God needs me to be. Grayson made us a family of 3. He made us parents. He is the sweetest, purest part of our family and we'll miss him and long for him until the day we're together again.

Day 8 - Wish List



Every night, I wish to dream about Grayson.

Every minute, I wish to feel him close.

Every second, I wish he was still with me.