Day 12 - Normalizing Grief Grief is a funny thing.  Most of the time, I don't understand my own grief.  At first, I often felt lik...

Day 12 - Normalizing Grief

Grief is a funny thing.  Most of the time, I don't understand my own grief.  At first, I often felt like my grieving process was inappropriate.  My baby died.  I am separated from the best thing I ever created, my most prized possession.  I've never loved anyone quite the way I love Grayson.  And yet, most of the time I feel okay.  I know death is not the end and I know I'll see my son again and sometimes the separation is unbearable, but usually, I feel my hope overshadow my sadness.  The weird thing is that this also makes me feel guilty.  Shouldn't I be crying all day every day?  Shouldn't I be unable to get out of bed?  Why is my grief not the type of grief I normally read or hear about?  I once read that it's okay to cry all day and be in bed all day (and I completely agree, grief can definitely be overbearing) because it just shows how much you loved your baby.  It felt like that person was saying the amount you grieve, or the way your grieve correlates to the amount of love you have for your baby.  And I just felt like the worst mother after reading that.  My baby deserved better!  Grayson deserved a mother who loved him as much as other mothers love their children, and for a second, I felt like that wasn't me.

But the longer you grieve, and the more people you meet who have angel babies too, you begin to realize that everyone's grieving process is different.  Because each one of us is different.  And no one can tell you how much you loved your baby because they are not you.  I love Grayson with all of my heart, and he knows that.  And my husband knows that,  But most importantly, I know that.  And that makes my grief appropriate.  I have stopped doubting myself through this process and that's why I'm okay with the good days.  The bad days too.

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  1. I love this. I remember shortly after Liam died how much I wanted some resource that told me it was okay to feel okay, and where I could talk about Liam without being sad or angry or bitter, but it seemed like that was all anyone else ever wanted to be. And now I am in more of a sad, bitter mood myself. But this is a good reminder that all of these different kinds of grief are equal and okay. I needed to be reminded of that.

    1. They are all equal and okay! Exactly! <3