Day 12 - Normalizing Grief



Grief is a funny thing.  Most of the time, I don't understand my own grief.  At first, I often felt like my grieving process was inappropriate.  My baby died.  I am separated from the best thing I ever created, my most prized possession.  I've never loved anyone quite the way I love Grayson.  And yet, most of the time I feel okay.  I know death is not the end and I know I'll see my son again and sometimes the separation is unbearable, but usually, I feel my hope overshadow my sadness.  The weird thing is that this also makes me feel guilty.  Shouldn't I be crying all day every day?  Shouldn't I be unable to get out of bed?  Why is my grief not the type of grief I normally read or hear about?  I once read that it's okay to cry all day and be in bed all day (and I completely agree, grief can definitely be overbearing) because it just shows how much you loved your baby.  It felt like that person was saying the amount you grieve, or the way your grieve correlates to the amount of love you have for your baby.  And I just felt like the worst mother after reading that.  My baby deserved better!  Grayson deserved a mother who loved him as much as other mothers love their children, and for a second, I felt like that wasn't me.

But the longer you grieve, and the more people you meet who have angel babies too, you begin to realize that everyone's grieving process is different.  Because each one of us is different.  And no one can tell you how much you loved your baby because they are not you.  I love Grayson with all of my heart, and he knows that.  And my husband knows that,  But most importantly, I know that.  And that makes my grief appropriate.  I have stopped doubting myself through this process and that's why I'm okay with the good days.  The bad days too.

Day 11 - Glow in the Woods

Day 10 - Words



Today happened to be so busy so I didn't get a chance to sit down and write.  But I have a lot to say so I'll be sure to find some alone time tomorrow to sit and write down what I'm feeling.

In the meantime, I've included the words of a poem that have meant so much to me.  It not only reminds me that Grayson is happy and nearby, but that my Heavenly Father doesn't want me to hurt or suffer.  Trials are a necessary part of His plan and I'm sure He doesn't like to see His children in pain, but He let's us experience hardships so that we might grow and become the people we need to be.

What Makes a Mother

By Jennifer Wasik

Written with love for all the Mother's missing their babies

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today I asked, “what makes a Mother”? And I know I heard Him say, A Mother has a baby, This we know is true. But, God, can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you? "Yes you can!", He replied with confidence in His voice, "I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime and other's for a day And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay." I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath, and cleared His throat, and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you what your child is doing here. If you could see your child smile with other children and say, "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear, but My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here!” I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lesson very quick My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here.” So you see my dear sweet one, your children are okay Your babies are here in My home and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with Me until your lesson is through. And on that day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart It's the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize that you are a Mother until their time is done. They'll be up here with me one day and know you're the best one.

Day 9 - Family

I love this family of mine more than words can express. They are my everything. I am so blessed to have these very souls, because they are making me a better person and I have no doubt they are helping me become who God needs me to be. Grayson made us a family of 3. He made us parents. He is the sweetest, purest part of our family and we'll miss him and long for him until the day we're together again.

Day 8 - Wish List



Every night, I wish to dream about Grayson.

Every minute, I wish to feel him close.

Every second, I wish he was still with me.

Day 7 - Memory

Day 6 - Books

As soon as I read The Little Prince in 11th grade, I knew it was a book I wanted to read to my children.  I'm re-reading it now and realizing it feels more like a book for adults, since it teaches a lot of life lessons and doesn't read in a way children easily understand.  But it still reminds me of Grayson, because he is my little prince and because I feel like he's taught me so much about life and love, similar to how "the little prince" taught the pilot about these same things.  

When the little prince has to go back to his planet, the pilot becomes sad, because he'll miss the little boy he grew to love.  The prince comforts him with:
“For the travelers the stars are guides. For others they are nothing but tiny lights...
“You - you alone will have the stars as no one else has them...In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night...You - only you - will have stars that can laugh.” 

I feel like Grayson is telling me the same thing.  The stars aren't special to everybody.  Not everyone finds them interesting.  But to me, the stars represent the Heaven that my little boy lives in, and he is happy there.  And when I look up at the night sky, I will feel like the stars are laughing because Grayson is laughing.  The stars will remind me that Grayson is somewhere beautiful and full of joy. 

There are about a hundred other quotes I could talk about, but this is the one that really stood out to me yesterday as I was thinking about this post. 

Day 5 - Empathy



Losing our baby was so so hard and it continues to be.  But knowing that people are thinking about me, my husband, and especially Grayson, lessens the sting just a little bit.  When Grayson passed, we were met with so much service and kindness that it brought me to tears.  Driving home, we noticed green ribbons all around our neighborhood in honor of Grayson, along with blue ribbons in honor of a dear friend's baby, who had gone to heaven about three weeks before.  There were ribbons all over my front lawn placed by my loving ward family.  And when I walked inside my home, there were my mother and sister in laws, ready to show me something they worked on while I was in the hospital.  They walked me back to a fully finished nursery.  I was amazed at the love they had for me and Grayson to make such a sacred little room for me and Dan.  Now, whenever I feel lonely or far away from my baby, I go to the nursery and can reflect and pray in peace.

Any amount of service to me, any hug, or note, or cookies, means something.  It means the world to me.  It means you're thinking of me and of Grayson.  And knowing that Grayson is not forgotten truly does mean the world to me.

So if you know someone grieving the loss of their child, mention that child.  Mention that you are thinking about them.  Say their name.  And listen.  Their mom may have a lot to talk about and a listening ear might be exactly what she needs.

The dark side of grief and the light side of grief.  I think the darkest times come when I feel alone.  That usually happens when I haven't talked about Grayson in a while.  When I haven't talked about how much I miss him and wish he were here.  It also happens when I think about how different life would be if none of this had happened.  If he hadn't had CDH, if he hadn't hadn't been born 7 weeks early, if the doctors would have been able to get a tube down his esophagus to stabilize him, if our prayers had been answered.  Actually, thinking about how we didn't get a miracle makes the dark side of grief come out.  I have seen so many miracles come through prayer and we prayed with so much faith, and still, Grayson passed away.  We didn't get a miracle.  And then I wonder why I was so undeserving of that miracle.  Why did this have to happen to me?

And then in the midst of darkness, I usually feel a flicker of light when I'm reminded that it isn't about me.  It is about Grayson.  He was too pure and precious for this earth and he was needed quickly in Heaven.  I was needed to give him the great gift of a body and an eternal family.  In Elder Holland's talk in yesterday's conference session, he said that motherhood is a sacred trust.  Heavenly Father trusted me to give Grayson a body and then patiently endure until I could be with my son again.  That helps me turn the dark times into lighter times.

My grief is lightest when turn to my testimony of the gospel and eternal families.  Remembering that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me brings me such peace.  One day I realized that He does not want me to feel this pain; he gets no joy from it.  But trials must take place and His plan must move forward.  Dan and I will be with Grayson again and death will not separate us again.

Day 3 - In Honor Of

Day 2 - Intention

Day 1 - Sunrise

I don't even know where to begin...This is hard for me to write because part of me wants to keep this in and pretend like it's not happening, but keeping it in makes me feel alone, and that just adds to the pain.  Our baby boy was diagnosed with Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia and as soon as he comes into this world, he is going to have to fight for his life.   The minute he enters this world, he is going to be taken from me and hooked up to machines and tubes and Dan and I won't get to hold our baby because he'll be too unstable.  I'm willing to do whatever is best for my baby, but I don't know if I am strong enough for this...

The news came as a shock to me.  When to doctor told me that the ultrasound (at 24 weeks) showed that my baby's heart was on his right side instead of the left, I stared at her with wide eyes and just nodded, thinking, "Oh, I saw this on Grey's Anatomy and that guy was fine."  But as soon as they took me out of the ultrasound room and called Maternal Fetal Medicine at the hospital, it hit me that this could be something more serious and I just lost it.  I was alone and terrified and Dan was on his way to Oregon for the weekend.  I called him and he came back to be with me.  Neither of us understood what this meant but (despite the doctor's orders) we did some research online and found that the most common result for "heart on right side" was dextrocardia.  This is when your internal organs are flipped and not just arranged in a weird position.  These people can lead completely normal lives.  We hoped and prayed that this was the situation for our baby boy, but we wouldn't know for sure until the following week.  The wait felt like months.

At our appointment the next week with maternal fetal medicine, we had two ultrasounds done, one with an ultrasound technician and another with a specialist.  Both times they confirmed that our baby's heart was not where it should be, but thankfully, his heart was strong and developing as it should.  They both also had a hard time locating his stomach within the ultrasound, which scared me because I didn't know what on earth that could possibly mean.  While we hoped we would get a solid answer on what was going on, the doctor couldn't tell us for sure what we could expect for our baby boy until we got an MRI done and she could confirm a diagnosis.  We had to wait a week for our MRI appointment and another week for the results.   Two short weeks felt like months again.

The MRI wasn't scary but I cried throughout the procedure anyway, feeling terrified and sad for what the results could mean.  From what the specialist told us, it could mean either that our baby didn't have a functioning spleen and therefore wouldn't be strong enough to fight off infections, or he could have a hernia in his diaphragm, causing his lower organs to move up into his chest cavity.  To me, there was no good outcome.

The specialist we had met with a couple of weeks earlier called us a week later to tell us the results.  I was at work and stepped outside so I could react to the news away from my desk.  She confirmed that our baby has Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia, meaning that his diaphragm didn't close all the way when it was developing.  The condition is serious in and of itself, but it is made more severe if the lower organs have moved up.  Our baby's liver has moved up into his chest cavity, pushing his heart over to the right and impeding the growth of his left lung.  He also has a separate complication of his trachea and esophagus being connected, which could explain the problem of his stomach not filling up with fluid and being hard to find in ultrasounds. I honestly (still) have no idea what that means and how they would fix it.  Devastated by the news, I left work in tears, grateful that I can set my own schedule and didn't have to work for three more hours with this on my mind.

A meeting with a pediatric surgeon a couple of days later finally told us what we could expect after birth.  I'll have to be induced up at the U so that they can have a team assembled to care for our baby as soon as he's out.  He'll be stabilized and then will undergo surgery to move his organs down and close the hernia.  After this, his left lung should have room and the capacity to grow.  We'll be praying that his lung will grow without further complications.  The surgeon told us we could be looking at a two month hospital stay, minimum.

I don't care about the hospital stay and I don't care about what's happening to my body.  All I want is for my baby to be strong enough to fight this when he's born.  I want to hold him and spend some time with him.  I want to see glimpses of his sweet little personality and I want him to know that I love him more than I ever thought possible.  I want to keep him safe inside me and sometimes wish he could stay there forever, because at least there, he's safe.
I shared this because it was hard to keep it in.  When anyone asks me if baby's doing well, I say yes, because they don't know and I don't want to cry in front of them as I explain his condition.  But if I don't tell people, then I'll continue to feel alone and if people are aware, then maybe they can pray alongside us.  Lately, I've come across a lot of blogs of mothers who have been in similar situations and I think of how brave they are to share their stories.  I see the support that they receive from those who love them and even from strangers.  How can I feel support if people don't know what's going on?  We've already felt so much love from those who know and are praying and fasting for our little boy.  We've named him Grayson Daniel and I think it's a beautiful name for a beautiful boy.  If you could keep him in your prayers, we would be eternally grateful.  We've already seen so many blessings and have had our faith strengthened and know that if it's our Heavenly Father's will, we'll be blessed to raise Grayson a happy and healthy boy.