Letter to an Angel

My dear, sweet Grayson, I truly believed that we would have more time with you, and I’m completely heartbroken that our time together was...

My dear, sweet Grayson,
I truly believed that we would have more time with you, and I’m completely heartbroken that our time together was so short.  I hope you felt our love for you, which is the most amazing, full, overwhelming love that I have ever felt. 
My heart’s capacity to love grew the minute I knew I was pregnant with you.  At that moment, I already understood what it was like to be a mother.  I remember crying and praying to our Heavenly Father that you would be a healthy baby.  Although I do not understand today why this happened, Heavenly Father had a different plan for you and needed you home quickly.  I am incredibly grateful that He gave us those two precious hours and that we were able to hold you in our arms even after that.  Holding you in my arms was like holding a little piece of heaven and I felt so safe with you near.  I was holding an angel.  I don’t know how I am getting through this but Our Heavenly Father has been with us from the start and I know that thanks to the Plan of Salvation, I can smile through this difficult trial as I remember you in my arms, as I remember your perfect little face, and as I remember all that hair!  What I wouldn’t give to have been able to see you smile! 
I found this letter from a mom to her baby boy and while I didn’t write it, it expresses perfectly how I feel for you:  “When you left, you took a part of me…Sweet, sweet boy.  If I knew the pain and hurt and stress of it all, it wouldn’t matter.  If I knew that I would only be able to hold you for just so long, it wouldn’t change a single thing.  If I knew the tears I would cry, out of a sea of millions, I would search until I could look you in the eye, and I would call you mine and choose you.  Again, and again, and again. 
“You.  You’re worth all of it.  You always were.  You always will be. 
“And me?  I’m the lucky one.  The lucky one who knew you.  Who carried you.  Whose life will forever be divided into a before and after because of you.  You will forever have my love.  Till my last breath and every moment after.”
Grayson, Our entire world shattered Wednesday when we lost you, but our family bond wasn’t shattered and neither was our faith.  Spending that time with you and your daddy who loves you so much will forever be my most treasured memories.  We will hold you in our arms again and we can’t wait for that day.  You will always be my son and I will always be your mother.
I have so much more to say but I don’t know how to put it all into words.  Know that I will live the rest of my life with the goal to see you again.  I will live my life in such a way that that will happen.  Every day I’ll think of you and as I feel your spirit near me, we will call those our memories.  I can’t wait to make some real ones with you when we’re together again.  I love you forever Grayson.
Love, Your Mommy

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