#captureyourgrief

Day 4 - Dark + Light The dark side of grief and the light side of grief.  I think the darkest times come when I feel alone.  That u...

Day 4 - Dark + Light



The dark side of grief and the light side of grief.  I think the darkest times come when I feel alone.  That usually happens when I haven't talked about Grayson in a while.  When I haven't talked about how much I miss him and wish he were here.  It also happens when I think about how different life would be if none of this had happened.  If he hadn't had CDH, if he hadn't hadn't been born 7 weeks early, if the doctors would have been able to get a tube down his esophagus to stabilize him, if our prayers had been answered.  Actually, thinking about how we didn't get a miracle makes the dark side of grief come out.  I have seen so many miracles come through prayer and we prayed with so much faith, and still, Grayson passed away.  We didn't get a miracle.  And then I wonder why I was so undeserving of that miracle.  Why did this have to happen to me?

And then in the midst of darkness, I usually feel a flicker of light when I'm reminded that it isn't about me.  It is about Grayson.  He was too pure and precious for this earth and he was needed quickly in Heaven.  I was needed to give him the great gift of a body and an eternal family.  In Elder Holland's talk in yesterday's conference session, he said that motherhood is a sacred trust.  Heavenly Father trusted me to give Grayson a body and then patiently endure until I could be with my son again.  That helps me turn the dark times into lighter times.

My grief is lightest when turn to my testimony of the gospel and eternal families.  Remembering that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me brings me such peace.  One day I realized that He does not want me to feel this pain; he gets no joy from it.  But trials must take place and His plan must move forward.  Dan and I will be with Grayson again and death will not separate us again.

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